King of the Hill

I hit your neck with a tranquilizer, knocking you out cold, and give your pet raccoon a hallucinogen so it mistakes your fingers and toes for poison ivy. After letting it gnaw on your digits for about 30 mins, you wake up and look at your hands and feet in horror. Fearing the worst (maybe the poor thing has rabies!), you hobble down the hill with your pet and rush off to the nearest hospital. I then install a force shield that zaps anyone who comes within 10 meters, which can only be deactivated by a retinal scan of my eye, so no one can trespass on MY HILL!

 

I send my Griffon Vulture to fly over the force shield and pluck out your left eye and carry it over to the eye scan and deactivate the shield. After I have breasted the top of the hill and pack up all your stuff in a wagon for you to take with you I give you direction as to where you can retrieve your eye. I order my Griffon Vulture to place your eye in the mailbox of the Doctor in the valley below with payment a note explaining that the owner will be along shortly and to please reattach the eye. Meanwhile; I cast a magic spell that renders the hill invisible. MY HILL

 

As I am already friends with Wonder Woman (she owes me a couple of favours), I ask if she would speak to a friend of hers. Superman does a fly over and with his x-ray vision is able to determine exactly where my hill went to. Thanks Dude.

After rummaging through my box of goodies left in a back room of the Infamous Last Past (old forum), I found my left over fireworks from 2010, or maybe 2011 NYE. I sneak in like a ninja and strap a few to the back of the chair that you are sitting on and light the fuses. ps, it seems they are so old that they become unstable causing a bigger blast than intended and send you into a low orbit. Oh well, MY HILL!

 

I couldn't figure out a way to get rid of that force field so thanks Superman and, ahem, CT.

Now, there seems to be some discrepancy over the ownership of this here hill so I have bought in some lawyers to sort it out once and for all. If you are to take legal ownership of this hill, you must go with them and sign all the necessary documentation required to take over this hill. Off you go!

How naive can she be ... they weren't lawyers, they were pirates taking her off to a desert island where they will leave her there to eat bananas and pineapples while she dreams of me sitting here comfortably enjoying MY HILL! Ha ha!

 

I'd rather it be a dessert island, but bananas and pineapples are close. Where's the whipped cream? Gosh, how do I get home? [cut to a commercial break].

Narrator: "When we return we find our heroine has managed to overcome adversity and made her way home, and looks fabulous for it"

There was a group of lads out celebrating a bucks night. I've convinced them you are a great party planner and send them off to fetch you as my gift to them. Slightly confused you don't resist their fun shenanigans as you are such a polite person. Unfortunately, the party ends up 3 states over with you, not the intended groom, drunk, half-conscious and tied to a lamp post on the outskirts of town.

And that leaves me free and easy on MY HILL!

*leaves some chocolates on the table for teddy and shooger*

 

Ah, but I have my trusty saviour hb on call for just such a situation. I warned her I might be in danger of being farmer-napped. She will call in all her favours and have me transferred state by state (even in the "state" I'm in!) by all her friends to the place where I am supposed to be ... my hill. They will then reek revenge on you by tickling you silly (not far to go then!) until you have to admit that this is MY HILL!

*Leaves several gigantic hampers of chocolate goodies for Teddy and Shooger - "some" chocolates just will not cut it for Teddy and Shooger!*

 

That tickling confession will never hold up in a court of law.

Hey my darling bestie, I was thinking we should go on a G&T cruise up the river for a nice change of pace. You've been working so hard. I've got your ticket, so lets go. Half smashed, the both of us, we have the best time, and when we are out over the deepest part of the river, I give you a hard shove off the side railing. Splash. Bye bestie. My Hill!

 

I forgot to say that I am a champion swimmer and swim all the way back to my hill, Be(a)stie(!), rig up an underground ejector panel activated by sensors which send you souring into the ether. I dismantle the trampoline, settle down with a big box of chocolates and enjoy MY HILL! Fly high and far Beastie!

 

In full camouflage gear I commando crawl up the hill and slip some rewrapped laxative chocolates into the big box you have there. Dont want to be around when that takes effect so I'll just wait over here. Thar she blows! I have never seen somebody run away so fast in my life. Looks like the Road Runner trail fading off into the distance. MY HILL

 

Being an ex-nurse in a previous life, I could detect the odd shaped chocolates were a little "iffy". How could I mistake them for chocolate? The only reason I was running was cos I could see hb and friends running up the other side of the hill all armed with heavy duty fire hoses pointing straight at your derriere! Thar SHE blows!

Now, back to the solitude of MY HILL.

 

Uh oh! Turns out those heavy duty fire hoses were stolen from the local fire department! Your friends thought they were getting a once-in-a-lifetime deal but it was actually a set-up - courtesy of yours truly - to frame you for theft.

I tell the firefighters where they can find their equipment and they march toward the hill with several police officers in tow. But before they go, I warn them you and your gang have a bit of a reputation in the community for harassing the poor homeless woman (ctindaldavies) who lives on the hill because she has nowhere else to go.

The firefighters and police arrive just in time to see your friends blast her derriere with the hose while you bust a gut laughing. How could anyone be so cruel? Good thing they brought plenty of handcuffs! They place you all under arrest and take you down to the local police station for further questioning, taking your belongings with them.

Ta Ta! Now for some R&R on MY HILL.

 

Totally miffed with the crappy Elephant stable I got from today's Summer Calendar Spolia Wonder Stable , I decide that I don't want more of these lazy grey bottomed giants AT ALL! So I release them and send them stampeding up the hill to trample everything in their path. You had better run. elephants! Sorry, not sorry, about your stuff. *Sits and opens a packet of peanuts*
My Hill!

 

I show the elephants a mouse and they about turn, trampling over both you and your peanuts!
So sorry my very flat beastie!

MY HILL!

 

That's harsh

I pay Suzie to send you an awesome sky message, and somehow, the ropes she used are too long. Dangerously long and trailing on the ground. Oh no they tangle around your legs and snatch you up high into the sky. I would call after her but I know she can't hear me. I always wondered what someone would look like flapping along behind a cropduster.

My Hill!

 

I twirl around like a trapeze artist, manage to disentangle my legs, float down into a small lake and swim to shore.

While you are asleep, I put some magic shoes on your feet. I wake you up and as you stand, the shoes make you dance little lady dance, all over the (other) hills and far away. Leaving me, once again, on MY HILL!

 

... over the hills and far away. Mother duck said, "Quack Quack Quack Quack" and all of ct's dancing little tootsies came back.

Seeing as I am homeless, (hey zerodegrees said it, not I) I decide to check out what your house is like. I invite the local homeless group to use it as their overflow house for their most difficult cases. Sadly they don't respect other peoples property very much. Panicked, off you run to try and limit the destruction. Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200

 

Well, it took a while but I persuaded the homeless group that they are quite welcome to stay as long as they keep the house clean, feed the animals, keep the veg patch and garden tidy and ... well ... look after my farm for me - they agreed - so here I am happily evicting you from MY HILL!

 

Well that's all nice and the homeless are almost satisfied BUT they think that this captain Illy is taking it a bit too far with all that cleaning and leaving them NO rum to drink at all! SO I offer them two barrels of rum if they mutiny against captain Illy And guess what...now I'm drinking rum with them on MY HILL and the former captain Illy is sitting tied up on another hill with no rum.

 

That's a rum state of affairs if ever there was one, arrrrr Jim lad!

While you were tying me up, I made myself seem extra large (not an easy feat) so the ropes are pretty loose and I can escape with little effort.

You are all sleeping very heavily after your rum party and I gently roll you all into a cave at the bottom of the hill. place a large boulder at the entrance to keep you there and return to the top of MY HILL!

 

Teleport my indestructible Wish Wonder Tree onto the hill, and it sends out a forcefield to alter your brainwave - 'This is not the hill you are looking for.' In your bewildered state, you head off down the path to the other side of the valley. Bring back my herd of animals, decided this is where my wool farming will flourish. The Wish Tree has many magical powers that I yet to discover, but foremost it knows how to protect itself and MY HILL!