Jokes

Boss to employee over the telephone: I am at the dentist for oral surgery on a broken tooth. My phone will be off. They have given me something and I am getting numb. Call me if you need me.

 

Sounds like the Boss's mind was going numb

 

Son: " Dad, can we go to McDonalds please"
Dad: " Certainly, but only if you can spell it"
Son: " How about we go to KFC instead"

 

Apparently Beer contains Female hormones...
After you drink enough, you can neither Drive or Shut-Up

 

Oh that's so wrong Banjoman

 

Banjoman

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A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The Hell Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it.
Once again he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks "Was that your voice?". It said "Yes".
He then says "What's your name?". It says "Moses".
The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??" The parrot replys "the same person that names his rotweiler Jesus!".​

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The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”​

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”​

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Two factory workers talking:
Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”​

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What is the opposite of opposite called ?

 

A woman sends her husband out to buy some escargot for a dinner party that night. Instead of going straight to the store, the husband decides to stop at a local bar. He has a few beers, and then some more, and pretty soon he looks at his watch and finds he’s over an hour late for the dinner party. He dashes to the store, picks up the escargot, and frantically drives home. When he walks in the door he can hear his wife coming from the kitchen. So he takes the bag of snails and quickly throws them all over the floor. When his wife walks into the room, he says, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!

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1. Mother: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?...
Son: I don't know. The dentist kept it.

2. "I came in to make an appointment with the dentist." said the man to the receptionist." "I'm sorry sir." she replied. "He's out right now, but..." "Thank you." interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again ?"

3. Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don’t worry, it's my first extraction too.

 

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An angry wife to her husband on the phone.
W: Where the hell are you?
H: Honey, do you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it?
W(relaxed): Yes, my king
H: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day and I said I will buy it for you one day?
W (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush): Yes I remember my love!
H: Good, I am in a beer palour next to that shop!​

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