Jokes

In light and keeping a positive attitude on my hubby's newly found Eye Cancer, here is a joke he told me...
Back in the olden days a Man with one wood eye couldn't get a date so, he went to a bar one night and saw a girl that had some issues as well...he thought, "I might get lucky finally"! He sit's down next to her and asks her if she would like to dance and she replied " Would I!!" He told her off! Parden the pun...get it?

 

I am sorry about your husband I hope it can be treated. I didn't understand the joke

 

I hope your husband problem can be treated. I also didn't understand the joke.

 

Would I . . . Wood Eye It helps if you say it out loud.

 

Ah! Now I understand Thank you ^_^

 

Prayers and best wishes to you Dbayes and hubby.

 

Blessings and prayers for your hubby and you Dbayes. Laughter and a joyful spirit really helps in facing problems.

 

Ditto on the prayers and best wishes, DB, may you always feel you are in His care, as well as in the hearts of all us farmers.

Happy Weekend, everyone!

 

Thanks everybody...and I didn't want to spoil the joke by explaining it...Thanks @baw815, I had a feeling it would be hard to get!

 

Best wishes to you, Dbayes and hubby.
Thanks baw815, now I get it!

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

 

Where does the white go when the snow melts ?

 

Banjo - Here's $5.00.........I don't know? LOL

 

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there... on the couch... ~edit~

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"The Pregnant Blonde Neighbor."

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
Both tests came out positive!"

 

1. When a new dentist set up in a small town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the latest kind of "Painless" dentist. But a local lad quickly disputed this. "He's a fake ! " he told his mates. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he yelled like anyone else."

2. A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

3. Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: With pain $200 and without pain $100.
Patient: Well, without pain it's cheaper. Pull it WITHOUT pain.
Without anesthesia neither anything, the dentist begins to extract the tooth, when the patient outcry: Aaaahhhhhhhh !!!!!
Hey, WITH pain it costs $200 !!!, replies the dentist.

 

Police: *Knock Knock*
Man: Who is it?
Police: It's the Police.
Man: What do you want?
Police: We just want to talk.
Man: How many of are there?
Police: 2
Man: Then talk to each other.

 

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There was a legend that goes like this:

In a bar in New York there was a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie - poof it swallows you up.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman on Earth'. Poof ! - the mirror swallows her up. The brunette goes up to the mirror and says 'I think I'm the sexiest woman on Earth'. Poof ! - the mirror swallows her up.
Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says, 'I think....' Poof !!

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If you are a Vegan... Does that mean you can't eat Animal Crackers ?