Jokes

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A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again."
God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"

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I want a closed-casket funeral.
However, towards the end of the funeral service I want an organist to repeatedly play
"Pop goes the Weasel" until everyone present is staring at my coffin with a mute, horrified expression

 

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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got a new apple watch, but is doesn't seem to keep very good time

 

It all makes Sense...
If you don't think about it

Jools: Your watch is correct at least twice a day !!!

 

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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"​

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"​

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Spoiler: Second Funny Picture

 

When my grandma was alive I had her on speed dial on my phone.
I used to call it Instagram.

(should've trademarked it)

 

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Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people."

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

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"This is where I keep my spare cats"
Oh, Mindy, this is sooooo funny !!!!
A priceless laugh, and the thought of having a box of 'spares', just for when you need a cat !!!
Well done !
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I was having some trouble with my computer, so I asked Joe, the 14 year old whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, from next door to come over.
Joe clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As hew was leaving I asked him what was wrong.
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired, "An ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Joe grinned, "Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down, " he said, "and I'm sure you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that boy.

 

I encountered that error when working a few years ago. A coworker said she had made it but I didn't know what she was talking about. Once she explained it to me, I couldn't stop laughing.

 

Happy Halloween, Everyone

 

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Talkies
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For the first time in many years, an elderly man traveled from his rural town to the city to see a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."
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The Veteran Golfer
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A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an elderly gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lain.

The old man said, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
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A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout , "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

Then one evening, he died when he was 98.

After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the graveand haunt you for the rest of your life?"
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The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

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