Jokes

My cooking is so awesome, even the smoke alarm cheers me on

 

The Funniest Irish Joke Ever

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Saints and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

Crazy Cat Lady Tree

 

ooooh I want one!

 

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over
and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing.
Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.​

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

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As an early Christmas present, a man gets a talking parrot from his friend. He takes the parrot home and puts it in his living room. But every time the man goes near the living room, he hears the parrot shouting insults at him.​

In desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes, the insults stop. Thinking he might have killed the parrot, he takes it out of the freezer. The parrot is still alive, but it is shivering. It stammers, "I'm s-sorry for b-b-being s-so rude. P-p-please forgive m-me." So the man forgives him.

After a while the parrot asks, "What exactly did the turkey do?"​

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Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Joyeux. . .oh, forget it

 

Two Irishmen "walk" out of a pub................
.....it could happen..........

Two guys going on a fishing trip. For the trip they only caught 1 "little" fish.
Suddenly Parks board appears & ask for there license......and they forgot it at home......
So they got fined $200, for fishing without a licence!!!!
1st. guy - Dude do you realize, this little fish cost us $200 ??
2nd. guy - So it's a good thing we didn't catch a BIG one, hey ............................

The man walks into the Grocery shop & take a apple, and goes to the check out counter.
(Recently this shop converted too the "bar code scanning" system, at the check out).
So the cashier, swipe the apple across the bar code scanner, and the total pops up a amount of $20.00........
The man is disgusted & said to the cashier - You must be mad asking that price for a apple ????
Cashier: Sir if this machine says it costs $20, THEN that is the price !!!!!
So the man says annoyed, You know what you can do with that $20 apple !!!
Cashier, unfortunately NOT.......because their is Already a $75.00 Cucumber.

 

A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"

 

Two snakes going through the forest......
1st snake - Dude are we poison's ??
2nd snake: Why do you ask ??
1st snake: I just bit myself................

This guy is on a fishing trip..........
After a while, he ran out of "life bait"
Sitting in his chair looking at the surroundings, he saw a snake with a frog in his mouth.....
Suddenly he got a idea, he grab his bottle of Brandy & caught the snake, he took the frog from the snake and pour some brandy down the snakes thought !!!!
So he hooked up the frog to the fishing line, and went back to his chair.
After a while he felt a "thump" on his leg ???
And there was the same snake with 2 frogs in his mouth !!!!!!!!!

 

What a treat for New Years to see you around Spots! All the best for 2016!!

 

Thank you, hatzeva! Same to you, and all the forum gang!

 

Spots! Soooo good to see you gal!

 

It's already a happy new year - Spots is here!

 

welcome back spotsbox, have a happy new year!

 

HAVE A HOLIDAY"HO-HO-HO!"
This guy goes into his dentist's office, because something is wrong with his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"
"Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I'm talkin' DELICIOUS! I've never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I've been putting it on everything... meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!"
"That's probably it," replied the dentist "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I'll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time."
"Why chrome?" the man asked.
"Well, everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

 

LOL David. I just love groaner jokes - just my warped sense of humor.