Jokes

A Guy was driving on the highway and saw a truck stalled and had ten penguins standing next to it. The Guy pulled over by the Truck Driver and asked if he needed any help. The Truck Driver replied: If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great! The driver agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his truck.

One hour and thirty minutes later, the Trucker is back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins at the zoo.
Here, he shows up at the zoo and they aren't there! At this point he was freaking out, he headed back into his truck and started looking around the town. While driving pass a Movie Theater, he spotted the Guy walking out with the ten penguins. The Truck Driver yelled: What are you doing? The Guy replied: I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie!

 

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.
What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

 

Solotime meets Bhodho whom he hasn't seen in 20 years.

"You look fantastic!" he says. "How do you stay so fit?"

Bhodho says, "I have one rule. I don't argue with people."

Solotime says, "Come on! How could that account for it?"

Bhodho says, "You're right, that couldn't possibly account for it."

 

Bhodho's Zoo owned a Gorilla for Fifteenth years.
He gets a call sadly say that his Gorilla passed away.
Bhodho quickly looked into the news paper searching for "Gorilla For Hire".
Within ten minutes after talking to someone, a black fancy vehicle shows up.
Next the "Gorilla" is getting out of the vehicle, but at this point, you can see it's a costume.
He walks over to Bhodho and say's: My name is solotime, I'll be your new
Gorilla till you find a replacement.

**Hope my joke was good. Wasn't sure really how to make it.**

 

During the Mexican American War, an intense standoff occurred just before the siege of Mexico City.
For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally an American Marine had a bright idea.
He aimed his rifle at the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan"! A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" and was then shot.
This continued for three days. A Mexican General decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out.
He called out "Hey Johnny!" The American Marine replied from his trench "Johnny ain't here. Is that you Juan?"
The Mexican General stood up on his trench and answered "Si"........

 

The one who discovered the knock on the door....

won the No-Bell prize...

 

Sid was travelling down a country road on his tractor when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.
He stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
Farmer Ellis replied, "Joe's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well", replied Sid, "She must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope", said Farmer Ellis. "We all want to buy his donkey."

 

Instead of my car saying stupid things like "Your Door is Ajar"...
Shouldn't it be saying helpful things like "There's a Cop Hiding in the Bushes" ?

 

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

Spoiler: *Click*

It gets toad away

 

I though it would have croaked long ago

 

An Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

Witch Jokes
Q: What did the goblin say to the witch?
A: I don't know you tell me!
Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling
Q: What do u get when theres a witch in the desert?
A: You get a sandwich.
Q: What do witches get at hotels?
A: Broom service
Q: What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?
A: Can i have the keys to the broom tonight?
Q: Who was the most famous witch detective?
A: Warlock Holmes
Q: What do they teach in witching school?
A: Spelling.
Q: Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle
Q: What do witches use in their hair?
A: Scare-spray
Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A: A sand-witch.
Q: Why does a witch ride a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.
Q: What do you call a witch's garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What do you call two witches living together?
A: Broom mates.

 

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?

Because she couldn't find the "10" button on the calculator.

 

Mummy Jokes

Q: What was the mummies' vacation like?
A: Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.

Q: What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap!!!!!

Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
A: Because he was all wound up.

Q: What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done?
A: Ok, that's a wrap. (Anyone noticing a pattern?)

Q: Why don't mummies take vacations?
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

Q: What do you call a little monsters parents
A: mummy and deady

Q: How do you scare a mummy ?
A: with a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy.

 

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish and said to use them wisely.
The redhead wished to be back home. *Poof* She was back home.
Next the brunette wished to be at home with her family. *Poof* She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

 

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