Jokes

What is a bat doing in a microwave? Listen to music.

At a Hollywood studio, two rats taste of an old black and white tape.
- Not bad, right?
- Yeah, not bad, but not like the book.

 

Here's some Christmas Jokes:

#1
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

#2
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

#3
It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. “Well”, said the clergyman “'I guess there's no point in having a service today.” “Well that's not how I see it,” said the farmer. “If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'

 

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

 

A mouse liked to come out of hos hiding but he feared terribly the cat. Finally he came out. Listen carefully and he heard a slight noise of feet on the floor of the room. Then hear barking.
- Uh, it's just a dog. The road is open ...
He went out. But at that very moment the cat catch him between claws and tells him:
- See how good it is to know foreign languages?

 

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Zimbabweans are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Zimbabweans just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Zimbabwean turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

 

Christmas Jokes:

#NumberOne
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

#NumberTwo
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes

#NumberThree
Question: Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
Answer: At a Ho-ho-tel

 

The unfriendly wild boar ride a bicycle. Bunny running by him:
- You'll fall, you will fall!
Suddenly the wild boar falls. Bunny:
- You see, you see?
From pit can hear a hoarse voice:
- I park where I want ...

 

So Solotime went fishing one day and they made a movie.

 

A woman went out of control while shopping for dresses. She found the perfect one, but the price was way out of her budget. Back and forth she discussed with herself whether she should purchase it or not. After trying it on and looking at herself in the mirror, she finally made up her mind and paid for the dress with a credit card.

When she got home, her husband looked at her with horror as she told him the price of her dress. With all the patience he could muster, the husband asked her, "Why did you do this while knowing it was way off budget?"

She calmly replied, "The devil made me do it."

The husband recalled a scripture and repeated it to her, "Why didn't you tell the devil to get behind you?"

The wife said, "I did! And the devil said it looked good from that angle, too!"

 

The bear ride through the woods. He meets the bunny and asks:
- Bunny, do you want to come with me to ride my motorcycle?
- Yes, says the bunny and he got on the bike. They ride eighty miles an hour, when the bear asks:
- Bunny, your not afraid?
- No.
They go with one hundred an hour. The bear asks again:
- Bunny, are you afraid?
- No.
They stop, rabbit go home. The next day, the rabbit comes with his motorcycle, a Honda.
- Come on, teddy bear, now I take you to a ride with the motorcycle!
They go with a hundred and fifty. Bunny asks:
- You are not afraid?
- No.
- I am, says Bunny, I don't reach the brake.

 

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and
when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.""
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... Heck, that's his paper routes!"

 

I was in a pet store picking up some pet food for my dog when I overheard the following conversation. A girl peaks over the counter and politely asks the sales representative. “I’m interested in buying a rabbit.” “Oh sure we’ve got lots of rabbits” gushed the motherly sales representative. “Do you have any specific color in mind? We’ve got some adorable white Bunnies down this isle.” The lady exclaimed. “Oh” said the girl with a wave of her hand, “I really don’t think my boa constrictor would care about what color it is!”

 

1.
Aunt takes his grandson to the zoo. Arrived in front of the cages with monkeys, grandson exclaimed:
- Look at that, she looks a lot like you aunt!
- You know what you said is very rude!
- Why? Monkeys don't understand what I'm talking about!
2.
Why has the elephant tail? In order not to end suddenly.
3.
Going for a walk, myriapod, take his millipede arm in arm, arm in arm, arm in arm, arm in arm, arm in arm, arm in arm...

 

Didn't get number 2 and 3 but number 1 was good

 

2 and 3 are not funny jokes... I fail with that
Well:
2. The elephant is big and his back shape is just ending straight... so he has a little tail... for not ending so straight
3. When we go for a walk with girlfriend/boyfriend, we walk arm in arm. The millipede has many arms/legs so...

 

A magician who worked on a cruise ship execute the same number every week. His only problem was the captains parrot. The parrot had learned all the tricks and once the magician began the number, the parrot start to comment and explain all the tricks. The guy was pissed off but could do nothing because he was the captains parrot. Finally, an accident curtailed his suffering: the ship collided with a rock and sank. The magician escaped. A few days he floated until, exhausted, arrives on an island. When he woke up, he thanked to God that saved him; But he heard a familiar whistle that made him freeze: it was the parrot ...
They have not talked to each other a few days, after which the bird said:
- I give up! Show me where is the ship ...

 

Happy New Year, everyone!

 

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down
his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"