Jokes

Drink fruit juice! Fruit juice is energy. Energy means sport. Sport is power. Power is money. Money is women. Woman means trouble ... You better drink water.

 

Hey Solo! Where have you gone ?

If you hear of any good Fishing Puns.... Let Minnow !!!

 

An Arab shakes a carpet on the 4 floor. A passerby asks: "What's the problem, doesn't start?"
I hope nobody to feel offended. It's just a joke.

 

Roger was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Roger has been missing since Friday.

 

A skydiving instructor makes training with a few beginners. One of them asks:
- And if the main parachute don't open and the reserve also not open, how long I would fly until reach the earth?
- The rest of your life!

 

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Student: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in school.

 

spots, I just read this and instantly could picture my mom doing something like this although she doesn't own a gun but someday I am sure she will do something similar lol

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

 

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with black hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy replies, "It doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

(I'll try to post jokes daily again and participate in the forums more)

 

Bhodo knows this was my wife and last I knew he was out looking for her too !!!
(See Post #86 this thread)

 

We would like that solo

 

Bhodo and SillyGuy are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive. She asks SillyGuy what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad." "Very good choice, sir!" she replies, and turning to Bhodo she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"
Bhodo answers, "How about a quickie?" Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you!!!!! I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality! I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff. SillyGuy leans over to Bhodo, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced quiche..."

​

(Bhodo - please do not be mad at me, I do not mean to insult you. It is just a joke. Thank you)

 

Bhodho comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the sofa in front of the television, and tells Spotsbox, "Get me a beer before it starts."
Spotsbox sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
Spotsbox is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
Bhodho sighs and says, "It's started."

 

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

 

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

 

70-year-old SillyGuy went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, Dr. Banjoman called SillyGuy's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." SillyGuy's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

ROFLMAO ..... Oh SillyGuy, how silly you are ..... ​

 

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have a better one next year..."

 

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door.
"Think you could spare a few bucks? Maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says, "You could do some handy work around here. I'll give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress. She sees no man, and the porch hasn't been touched. Just then, she hears knocking again at her door.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. And by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porsche."