Jokes

A man who wanted to buy a parrot went to an animal auction. He found just what he wanted, a beautiful African bird, and decided to bid for it. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the man was the winning bidder. He went excitedly to collect his bird, and suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to ask the most important question about the parrot. “Does the parrot talk?” he asked the auctioneer anxiously. “Of course he talks,” replied the auctioneer. “Who did you think was bidding against you all the time?”

 

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each..
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than 3 years.
The two of them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
Without blinking an eye she said:

"They're 35 cents now."

 

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born ?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born ?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born ?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

 

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "okay, I'll drive, you shoot".

What's the difference between a dog and a cat? The dog thinks, "hey, my human is kind, he feeds me and loves me, he must be God!". The cat thinks "hey, my human is kind, he feeds me and loves me, I must be God!".

 

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours. When he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese afella that he awasa in a charge ofa supplies, but he hasa disappeared and nocouldafinda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "...and you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get mesel a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge o' supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!"

 

On Valentine day, at a florist:
- Do you have greeting cards that says "You are my only love"?
- Yup.
- Give me 5 pieces!

 

Oh My goodness! LOL

 

SillyGuy was sitting in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked SillyGuy incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

 

Goodness had nothing to do with it

 

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse’s back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground… catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden…..
George, the Wal-Mart greeter, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

 

You know Spots... When you read "a beautiful blonde", you have a feeling something aint right

 

A guy newly married, save his wife number in his mobile: "my life".
After a year of marriage, changed into "wife".
After five years of marriage: "home".
Ten years later: "-edit-".
After silver wedding anniversary "wrong number".

 

As a kid I think I ate too many rice krispies.
Now all my body does is Snap, Crackle and Pop

 

Igotfrogs and Bhodho were feeling a bit limp, so to cheer themselves up they decided to take a trip to the amusement park.

"I'm going on the 'Chair-a-Planes" said Igotfrogs

"Are you sure Igotfrogs?" said Bhodho "You're ever so brave!"

So Igotfrogs went on the chair-a-plane ride. Round and round she went, faster and faster until the chain on her seat broke, sending her hurtling through the air for about 300 metres until she slammed
into a brick wall.

Bhodho ran over to the crumpled heap at the base of the wall and cried, "Are you hurt Igotfrogs?"

A dazed Igotfrogs opened her eyes and said, "Am I hurt? I should say I'm hurt. I went round six times and you never waved once!!!"

 

1. In front of me, an elephant behind me, a lion. I'm not afraid!
- Don't you think at your age, it does not fit to go on the carousel?

2. Thoughts of a psychiatrist: Healthy people don't exist, there are only people that are not yet counseling!

3. Before I had a very active life: playing tennis, football, billiards, chess. Attend the rally. But it was all over when my computer broke down ...

 

When Noah was sailing in the Ark after about 35 days the manure was starting to pile up, so he asks God what to do with it. The reply came "don't to worry about it, just throw it overboard, nobody will ever know".
So Noah did just that and it remained his little secret, until 1492 when Columbus bumped into it

 

first:
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


second:
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

third:
Q: What do you call 10 cereal in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes!

 

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone. Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pocket?

Spoiler: answer

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking?

 

1. How short is life! The Charming Prince in one day grew as others in 10 years. And in a week he died...

2. - Why does your husband want to divorce?
- By mistake, I prepared soap flakes instead of cornflakes for breakfast.
- Terrible! And he was angry?
- Angry? He was foaming at the mouth ...

3. The engineer was looking for a while in a wide and very deep fountain.
- I don't understand, he said finally. Why have you installed a light so strong at the bottom of the fountain?
- I don't know, the worker said. I did everything according to your drawings.
The engineer get the construction plan, after looking a little he turn it upside down:
- You fools! We must build a lighthouse!