Jokes

1:What goes all the way around a baseball field but never moves?
The fence
2:A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
-edit-

 

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her wardrobe that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling almost £95,000.

He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

 

1. - One beer please.
- With no alcohol?
- Yes, if you agree as payment counterfeit money!

2. A blonde calls her friend:
- Honey, last night I slept in a hotel and now I'm desperate because I can't leave the room!
- How so?
- Well, the room has only three doors and one goes to the bathroom, a closet, and one that has on the handle a sign that says "Do Not Disturb"!

3. My wife is like a grenade. If I remove the ring, my house disappears.

4. A guy send an SMS to girl: "I want to marry you." Receive replie: "Dear subscriber in your account is not enough money for this operation."

5. I parked the car in Luxembourg, but I forgot to pull the handbrake. I found it after 20 minutes near a fence ... in France.

6. A note on the door of a famous private detective, "Let your fingerprints on the doorknob and I'll contact you."

 

1: A man tells his friend, "My wife is an angel."
His friend replies, "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

2: Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

3: where do fish keep there money?
in a river bank!

 

A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".
Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " No, I am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."

 

1. Last night I dreamed that my wife was snoring. I woke up in cold sweat ... It's all good ... I'm not married!

2. A crazy man at the bakery:
- Sir, the bread went out from the oven?
- Yup.
- And what time he's coming back?

3. - Imagine that you are in a lake filled with fierce crocodiles. What do you do to get rid of them?
- We stop imagining!

4. What is the difference between a politician and a thief? The difference is that the first one is chosen by me, while the second one he choose me.

5. Franko's Law regarding the job: If you love what you do, you probably are doing what you should not do.

 

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?'' ''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

 

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

 

SillyGuy gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time SillyGuy decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first."
The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"
SillyGuy is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, SillyGuy takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. Then he takes out 1 dollar and hands it to SillyGuy. "I don't know either."

​

 

At school the teacher give to students as homework, to make an essay entitled "At the zoo". The next day, the students give to the teacher the essay. One of the students came with a sheet that said "The zoo was closed."

 

SillyGuy is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the one million CC question. farmer_broke says "Right SG, this is for one million CCs, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a) a badger b) a ferret c) a mole or d) a cuckoo?" SillyGuy ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry broke, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." "Right, SG, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers." SG has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, broke, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." "So who are you going to call, SG?" says broke. "Hmmm.... I think I'll call Jools." So farmer_broke phones Jools. "Jools, this is farmer_broke from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got SillyGuy here, and with your help he could win one million CCs. The next voice you hear will be SillyGuy's". "Hello Jools" says SillyGuy. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?" "It's a badger, boss." says Jools without hesitation. "Are you sure, Jools?" says SillyGuy. "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, farmer_broke," says SillyGuy, "I'll go with Jools. The answer's a badger. Final answer." "SillyGuy," says farmer_broke, "That's the correct answer. You've won ONE MILLION CCs!!" Cue wild celebrations. Next evening at the party, SillyGuy calls Jools across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?" "Oh I didn't, boss," replies Jools, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."

​

 

Riddle: What do you get if you cross a XXL Lemon with a XXL Catalpa??? ( An event idea?)

Answer: I don't know, but we would all have plenty!!

 

The family dog, Laddy, was really old and the parents finally decided it was best to put him to sleep. Now how to tell the children.
Mom said, "Honey you go ahead and go to work or you'll be late. I'll talk to them'"
So the kids come down for breakfast before going to school. "Children, Laddy has gotten old, doesn't hear us well, growls at everyone, and sometimes he even tries to bite people. We really need to put him to sleep."
To her amazement the kids say, "Mom we've noticed the same thing and we think that's best, too."
While they are at school Mom takes Laddy to the vet and has the deed done.
The kids come home from school, and soon are running frantically all over the house. "Mom! The dog's gone! We've looked everywhere but can't find him!"
Mom said, "Don't you remember this morning we talked about having to put Laddy to sleep?"
"LADDY??? We thought you said 'DADDY'!!"

 

• 
  One day a baby polar bear approaches his mother with a confused expression on his face and says, "Mum? Am I 100% polar bear?"
  "Well of course son!"
  The baby polar replied, "You’re sure I'm not a grizzly bear or a black bear?"
  "No, of course not. Now go run outside and play."
  But the baby polar bear is still confused so he approaches his father.
  The baby polar asks, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
  "Why of course son!" the dad polar bear gruffly replies.
  The baby polar continues, "I don't have any sun bear or Koala bear in my bloodlines?"
  "No son. I'm 100% polar bear, your mum is 100% polar bear, and by gee you too are 100% purebred polar bear!! Why in the world do you ask?"
  "Because I'm freezing my BUTT off!!"

 

1. A woman is not looking for the perfect man. She just wants a man to understand her and to wash the dishes ...

2. My girlfriend always tells me that I have about loyalty problems. Strange ... my wife never told me that.

3. Girls remember! Penguins are the swallows who ate in the evening after 18 o'clock!

4. Give to the woman a hundred red roses ... she will still object that only one were enough, but white one...

5. When the man is sick, hes looking for his wife. When the man feels good, the wife is looking for him.

 

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

 

A lonely frog telephones a psychic hotline and asks what his future holds. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you," replies the personal psychic adviser. "Great," croaks the frog, thrilled to bits, "will I meet her at a party?" "No," replies the psychic, "in biology class, tomorrow."

 

1. She: - Honey, Do you love me?
Him: - Yes.
She: - Then how about ... let's get married!
Him: - Why you change the subject?!

2. - I love you!
- Me too, I'm really handsome.

3. - Honey, my hands are cold!
- Great! Hold my beer please.

4. I took my wife yesterday at the Planetarium. She was shocked to find out that she is not the center of the universe ...

 

The local steel mill, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $490 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

BeeDance lol hahahaha

1. Husband comes home drunk. His wife is waiting in the doorway with a frying pan in hand, the husband sees her and says:
- Go to sleep, I am not hungry!

2. A guy wakes up with a terrible hangover and sees the writing on the wall: "Tomorrow I will not drink"!
- Thank God its not today!