Jokes

I was involved in a small fender bender this morning. The driver in front of me - a midget - got out of his car and stormed back to mine.
He said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
I said, "Oh? Then which one are you?"


And that's how the fight started...

 

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BeeDance hahahaha your jokes are so funny.

1. - My dear, you know that drinking makes you more beautiful.
- But I didn't drink anything!
- You didn't, but I did.

2. A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender a Coke and a mop.

3. "Hi, honey! I'm at the bar with a friend. I'll be home in 30 minutes. If I don't arrive until then, read this message again!"

4. - Hello, John, let's go out in town.
- Well, when I called you half an hour ago you said you had a terrible headache!
- I did, but she went shopping.

 

It was winter in the city and a couple were sitting down for breakfast. The radio announcer said "We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today; could you all park on the even numbered side of the road, so the snow ploughs can get through."

So the husband went and shifted the car.

A few days later, the radio announcer said " We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today; could you all park on the odd numbered side of the road, so the snow ploughs can get through."

So the husband went and shifted the car.

A few days later, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today; could you all park..." and there was a power cut and the radio went off.....

"Oh no!" wailed the husband. "What side of the road will I park the car?"

And the long suffering wife said in That voice... "Why don't you leave it in the garage."

 

1. Two blondes talking:
- Next month I will go to Venice.
- Why? You just have been last year.
- Yes, but then the streets were flooded.

2. A blonde was walking peaceful when suddenly sees a car that run alone. Aware of the danger, she jumps in the car and pull the handbrake. When she came out, the car's owner, a very attractive man, was waiting.
-The car started to go alone, but I jumped in and pulled the handbrake! She says, very proud of herself.
- I know, he answers. I was pushing the car!

3. - It's burning, it's burning! Come quickly! Shouted a blonde on the phone.
- And how do we get to the fire place?
- You don't have those big red cars anymore?

4. A blonde enter in a pharmacy and asks:
- Do you have glasses?
- For the sun?
- No, no, for me!

5. Two blondes go into the woods to look for a Christmas tree. After three hours of walking through the snow, one of them says:
- Would it not be better to look for one unadorned?

6. Two blondes: the first asks the second:
- Listen girl, who do you think is farther: the Moon or London?
- Girl you're dumb. Can you see London from here?

 

This one is for Penguilnz (and everyone else)

Question: What does TGIF stand for on a blondes pair of shoes?

Answer: Toes go in First....

 

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions." The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions." The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

 

1. A blonde comes to her husband:
- Honey, the car has broken! It has water in the carburetor!
- Honey, you don't even know what that carburetor is. How do you know that has water in the carburetor? Let me check that. Where's the car?
- In the pool!

2. Two blondes: - I know how to do magic.
- I don't believe!
The first blonde turn off the lights.
Second: - Wow, but where is the light?
The first blonde open the fridge: - Look where it was hidden!

 

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HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Doberman Pincher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
German Shepherd: Who gave the light bulb permission to burn out?
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people in from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he
finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Lassie: What is it Timmy? The light’s burned out? I’ll go get help … you stay in the well.
The Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real
question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?"

 

1. Why doesn't know a blonde to write the number 55? Because she doesn't know which five to put it first.

2. Why do blondes always have a knife in the car? To be able to cut the curves better.

3.Four blondes go under an umbrella, but none gets wet. How can this be? Doesn't rain!


I hope nobody get's upset about my jokes. Its not my intention to upset people. I just like them because are funny and short.

 

A while ago a new supermarket opened here in Alpine, CA. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies...



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore...

 

What does a blonde at the "Want to Be a Millionaire" show? She call a friend and ask what to choose: Fifty-Fifty or ask the audience?

 

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The pastor noticed little Alex staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The youngster had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." "Good morning," replied the boy, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

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A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

 

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" Asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

 

10 Ways to know if you have estrogen issues
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than SuperPlus
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday

 

A man and a boy go into a barbershop.

After getting his haircut, the man says, "Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon."

When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, "When is your father coming back to pay?"

The boy says, "He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut."

 

An elderly husband is convinced his wife needs hearing aids and decides to prove it to her so she'll get them. He walks into the Living Room where his wife is rocking near the opposite side and say, "Honey?" Nothing.
So he walks half way across the room and a little louder says, "Honey?" Still nothing.
Finally he walks up right behind her and very loudly says, "HONEY!" To which she replies, "For the third time, WHAT?"