Jokes

We used to have a Redbone hound, he'd balance the bisquit on his nose, but when you said okay, instead of tossing it in the air and catching it, he'd just lower his head and let it slide off, then eat it off the floor.

 

HUSBANDS

Here's a little advice to all who want long, happy marriages.

Create a working formula on decision making and because you are the man and the head of the house, take decisions on bigger issues whereas your wife decides on smaller issues. Do not interfere in each other's decisions.

Smaller issues like how many kids to have, the neighbourhood to live in, which car you should buy, how much money to save, who, when and where to visit, which sofa, cooker, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not, where to go for holiday & who you should visit etc, etc, should be decided by your wife. Just agree to it.

Your decisions are only for very big issues like whether America should attack Iran, the uranium enrichment in North Korea, whether Britain should lift sanctions against Zimbabwe, how to fully exploit Africa's economic and intellectual potential, whether KDF should leave Somalia, whether Arsenal needs to buy new players or change their coach, etc, etc.

Your wife will never object to any of these decisions and you will live happily!

 

Bill Gates was ride the car on a highway, accompanied by an auto mechanic and auto electrician. At one point, the car breaks down. They pull over and begin to argue:
Mechanic: Sure is a mechanical problem, I will start repairing ...
Electrician: Of course it is a problem of an electrical nature, I will fix it ...
Bill Gates: No, guys, I tell you what: we will get out and enter in car again, and precisely will start ...

 

1.
Bobby: "Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"
Teacher: "No."
Bobby: "Good, because I did not do my homework."

2.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Please stop crying.

 

A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you pokes stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I’m gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain’t outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to walk back to the ranch."

 

At an exhibition of computers, Bill Gates made the comparison between the information and the car industry:
"If General Motors would have progressed like Microsoft, we wold have drive cars 15 $ that would go 1000 km with one liter of petrol".
In response to this remark press office of the company General Motors said:
"If we build cars as Microsoft implement programs, it would have the following characteristics:
- No reason would damage twice a day.
- How many times would paint the demarcation lines on the roads you should buy new car.
- Sometimes, for example if you turn right, the car would stop and you should change the engine.
- In the car could fit only one person or you should buy more seats.
- New seats would force everyone to have same bottoms.
- Macintosh would make a car running on solar energy, would never fail, it would go five times faster, twice easier and easier to drive, but could run only 5% of road.
- Indicators of gasoline, oil, and water temperature should be replaced with a single optical that would write "the car is not working".
- The belt should require explicit confirmation of the driver before operating.
- Sometimes the car would stop and would start only if, simultaneously, you keep the hand on all the doors, you spinning the ignition and you bent radio antenna.
- Along with the car you were forced to buy a complete worldwide guide streets, even if you don't intend to get out of town. Otherwise, the car's performance would be reduced by 50%.
- Every time you buy another car model you should give the exam for driver's license due to differences between the two cars.
- You should press 'Start' button to stop the engine.

 

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

 

What do you call a defective boomerang ?



A Stick !

 

1. The chief today posted on Facebook: "I am sick." Already 27 colleagues gave him Like ...

2. - Mate ', what gift you bought for boss?
- A tie.
- That's not a gift too cheap?
- Yes, but I will stick on back the price of a laptop.

3. Knowing that I keep jokes all day, my boss sent me an sms:
- Send me a joke.
- I'm working, boss, I'll send you later. I wrote.
- Ha-ha-ha, fantastic! Send me one more! He replied.

4. - Our boss yesterday held a championship at Solitaire!
- And? What awards took the participants?
- Place 1, 2 and 3 were fired!

5. The chief tells to a worker:
- You make everything so slowly! You think slowly, write slowly , speak slowly, move slowly! Is there something you do quickly?
- Yes, I get tired quickly!

6. You should always give 100% at work. 12% Monday 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday, 5% Friday ...

7. Director to adjunct:
- You came only a year and have managed to go through all the ranks from simple workman until you became my adjunct. You have very good results. Congratulations!
- Thanks, dad!

 

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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

 

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book. The chicken walks out the door. Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word. The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book. This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

 

1. How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

2. Why did the hungry kids eat their homework?
Because their teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

3. Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!

4. What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet.

 

Why isn't there a substitute word for synonym?

 

Read the second paragraph and then his grade!!

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