Jokes

1.
What key has legs and can't open doors?
A turkey!

2.
What is the difference between a tuna, a piano and a pot of glue?
- I don't know.
You can tun-a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
- What about the glue?
I knew you would get stuck there!

3.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Cows go.
- Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!

 

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

=====

Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead."
A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

 

Mindy - that is just toooo cute for words!! Love it love it!!

 

Did he stay up too late playing Farmerama?

 

How long is too long? Personally I try to keep my Farmerama farming down to 40 hour days....

 

Love this Japanese Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottoms up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits & Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits & Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits & Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits & Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits & Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

@Jools
The best doctor I've heard of.

1. Knock knock.
- Who's there?
Ach.
- Ach who?
Are you having a cold?

2. What is the tallest building in the entire world?
- The library, because it has so many stories.

3. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
- Because 'Humpty Dumpty had a great fall'.

 

-What do you look for in a partner?
-Per$onality i$ definitely one of the mo$t important thing$.

 

My Hu$band ha$ lot$ of per$onality! That's why I love him so much. Well, that and he's never home! LOL

 

The five commandments of life at work:
1. Don't think.
2. If you think, don't tell.
3. If you say, don't write.
4. If you write, don't sign.
5. If you sign, do not wonder.

 

What's it mean? Google can't even tell me.

 

Hey, thanks for the explanation!!

 

Mindy 1701......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Whew!! Thanks - I needed that!!!

 

mindy - You come up with some doozies lately!!!! Loved both the "popped corn" and Crazy Cat lady starter kit!!!! Best/funniest jokes I've seen!!!!