Jokes

Hahahahaha! Good one, Cris!

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

DarlingDaizy1 Thank you

A worm tells his girlfriend:
- If you don't marry me, I'll throw myself in front of a chicken!

 

Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed.

 

Rooster organize a meeting with the chickens. Unpack the box and take out from it an ostrich egg.
- I don't want to criticize, but it does not hurt to be aware of what our competitors is capable of!

 

I was heading back home after visiting a Beach in Miami, Florida.
Had to use the restroom so I stopped at the nearest one I found.
I went inside, sat down on the toilet. The guy in the next stall said: "How are you doing?"
Normally I wouldn't talk to someone being in this situation. But I replied: "I'm good, thanks for asking"
Next the guy said: "What are you doing"
I replied: "Using the bathroom"

Few seconds later, The guy said: "I'm going to have to call you back, some dude is answering all of my questions.”

 

OMG! So funny and awkward. Like walking on street and somebody say hi or how are you and after you answer and then realize he was talking to someone else.

Two ostriches have a discussion.
- You know why we put our heads in the sand?
- I don't know why you do it, but I'm looking for oil!

 

Going home with his beloved cat after an eventful night. The cat can not hold in and meows:
- Oh, my love, I would die for you.
Kitty looked at him exciting and asks:
- Okay, but how many times?

 

Lauren was frustrated because she have complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail. Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror. Do you have any idea where it is?”

After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.


**Not related to joke statement below**
Come on... the mods edit your post but didn't fix the typo in my joke

I used the word say when it should have been said.

 

Moth mother with baby moth.
- Baby, please eat sock ...
- I don't eat sock !!!
- Oh, pretty please, I tell you for the last time: eat sock!
- I don't eat sock !!!
- Well, just let you know who don't eat sock don't eat neither mohair.

 

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you !!!

 

How do you recognize a flying rabbit? Has a hawk on his back.

 

A guy name Bobby bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
She was very happy with it and a friend of Bobby noticed it.
He said to Bobby: "Didn't she want want one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles?." Bobby replied: "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

 

A frog on a lake:
- Hey, you!
He goes quickly to the other side:
- Who, me?

 

It was Christmas and the judge was in a Merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.
"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."

 

Mission to Mars
(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a female blonde astronaut)

The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle. "Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions." The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments’ later headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2, report to communications for instructions." Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronautl please report to communications for instructions." The blonde sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says- "I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything!!!"

 

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours.

But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison!!!