Jokes

hahhahhh!!

 

During a test
Students look up for inspiration
down in desperation
and left and right for information​

 

Oh, spotsbox!!!...TOOO funny!! I am still laughing!!

 

Who remembers the original Looney Toons?

 

And Ariel... if they look down and smile during a test... they're texting or getting texted answers

 

οhh well in my class we do not do that... when we have a test
but they text each other during a lesson

 

I have a theory that in thousands of years time we will evolve to have a pouch on our hands to hold our phones!

 

Today is the day for firm decisions. Or is it???

 

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

 

Ninety nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name...

 

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

 

*please read it all before scrolling down*

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are on a camping trip. Sherlock wakes up in the middle of the night and nudges his friend, who yawns. Sherlock then says, "Watson, my friend, what do you see?"
Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"And what does that tell you?" Sherlock replies.
"Well, Sherlock. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I think we will have a very nice day tomorrow. Why Sherlock, what does it tell you?"
Sherlock thought for a moment, then said....
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"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

~epicamazing101

 

teddy.bear: You know there's a life outside the internet.
Bhodho: Send me the link...

 

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......

'Go get your Mother.'

 

Muller vs Brazil

It is just before the Brazil vs Germany World Cup 2014 match at the Estádio Mineirão in Belo Horizonte on 08 July 2014.
Muller goes into the Germany changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Brazil. They know nothing about soccer and we can't be bothered."
Muller looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself. You lads go down the pub."
So Muller goes out to play Brazil by himself and the rest of the Germany team go off for a few pints.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 0 - Germany 1 (Muller 11 minutes)". He is beating Brazil all by himself!
Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until Lahm remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the TV on. Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Oscar 90 minutes) - Germany 1 (Muller 11 minutes)'.
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against Brazil! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Muller. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Brazil, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes.


PS: Based on a true story...

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.