Jokes

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says

‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

 

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Harare to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be Bhodho or somebody "really important".

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Bhodho or somebody important."

The police said "It's not Bhodho, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?" they asked.
Said the cops, "The 1956 Zimbabwe National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

 

I need a six month vacation,
twice a year.​

 

Three lawyers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the accountants.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the accountants.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the accountants leaves their restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."

 

Did you ever notice, That no one seems to pay attention...
Until you make a mistake ?

 

That's why I never make misteaks...

 

That's rich Bhodo.

B

 

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in their perfect car; they saw an elf by the side of the road, and being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

 

A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm - Bhodho, Bhodho, Bhodho & Bhodho.
He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Bhodho in?"
The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."
He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Bhodho."
"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Bhodho."
"He's away in Bulawayo, won't be back for a month."
"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Bhodho."
He says, "Speaking!"

 

One mother asks her child "Why is everything on the floor?"
Her child answers "Gravity, mom"

 

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said,
"Did you see the guy that did it?"
She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

 

Not all goodbyes are sad
example goodbye school

 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

 

I don't have a daughter but, I know she would be this astute !

 

not a personal experience
I know one friend who did

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

I almost spit water all over my screen, Banjo!