Jokes

JOB INTERVIEW!
INTERVIEWER: Tell me the opposite of Good.
BHODHO: Bad.
INTERVIEWER: Come.
BHODHO: Go
INTERVIEWER: Ugly
BHODHO: Fine
INTERVIEWER: You’re wrong!
BHODHO: You’re right!
INTERVIEWER: Shut up!
BHODHO: Keep talking!
INTERVIEWER: Ok now stop all that.
BHODHO: Ok now start all that.
INTERVIEWER: Get out!
BHODHO: Come in!
INTERVIEWER: Oh my God.
BHODHO: Oh my Devil.
INTERVIEWER: You’re Rejected.
BHODHO: I'm selected...

 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
~George Carlin~

 

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

 

Bhodho is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Bhodho," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, Bhodho replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

Bhodho turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore!... He is!"

 

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

 

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy... ... when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. "No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

 

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
~George Carlin~

 

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy:

"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my a**... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!!"

 

​

 

How do you like my new watch... Just in time for the Cuckoo for Cuckoos Quest

 

A man and a boy go into a barbershop.

After getting his haircut, the man says, "Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon."

When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, "When is your father coming back to pay?"

The boy says, "He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut."

 

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"