Jokes

@Banjoman, You might want to cover up that copyright...
it got a word the Forum mods will get you for.

 

My apologies to the Moderators for the inappropriate word that has been blacked out

 

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an ARSENAL jersey, and is festooned with ARSENAL pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with ARSENAL receiving the penalty kick. They score.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they win the league?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for ten years."

 

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

 

And that was the last time he was seen alive...

 

Who knows what would happen if someone did say that to their wife.

*Forum crashed and didn't get to edit my post*

 

Ah. But I know better than that... I remember what she did with the first one !

 

Please delete the quot, I didn't mean to type that as I just reviewed it and I feel it's offensive.
What happen was, I was typing and the forum crashed. So I just clicked enter without knowing
that it was typed that way.

___________________________

Joke below

Question: Why are ghosts bad liars?
Answer: It's because you can see right through them.​

 

Think of a number between 0 and 20.
Add 32 to it.
Multiply by 2.
Subtract 1.
Now close your eyes.

It's Dark, Isn't it ???
----

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and
all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn't!”

 

A child asked his father, "How were people Born?".
So his father said "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question, and was told "We were monkeys, then we evolved to became like we are now."
The child then run back to his father and said "You lied to me!"
His father replied. "No, your mum was talking about HER side of the family."

 

Bhodho found an old oil lamp and rubbed it. Out came a Genie who said, "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"

Bhodho scratched his head for a few moments, then answered, "I wish for a bottle of Guinness that never gets empty."

"Granted master" replied the Genie and produced the bottle.

Bhodho was delighted and immediately poured himself a tall glass of the dark brew. After he drained the glass he picked up the bottle and sure enough it was full again. Bhodho got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for three weeks before he remembered that he had two more wishes.

He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.

"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"

"You remember that magic, never ending Guinness bottle?" he asks the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them..."

 

Solotime: Do you want any dessert?
teddy.bear: No Thanks, I'm Stuffed!

This only a joke and never asked Teddy this.

 

I believe Teddy never says no to dessert...

 

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.