Jokes

Was waiting for someone to post in the joke thread so I could share my new joke

A father had to work late one day (7:30 PM if you want a time)
while being tired from work, he remembered it his daughters birthday.
He drove to the nearest store. While he walked in, right away a store
clerk asked if he needed any help finding stuff. He replied yes.
He said, it's my daughters birthday today and I'm looking for
a gift for her. The store clerk pointed at the new barbie dolls.
He asked her how much they're. She replied, The Country Girl is $19.99,
The Princess is $19.99, Ken is $19.99 and Amanda is $199.99.
The father was shocked by the price an asked why so much? She said, well it's because Amanda is divorced
and comes with Ken's House and Car.

 

Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken."

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room, the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" to which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."

 

Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal? (The USA president)
You order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

 

Some of your best memories will come from of your Most Foolish Decisions

 

Solotime was paying his bills over the phone.
While dialing the next one he needed to pay,
he dialed the wrong number without knowing.
A man named Johnny picks up the phone.
Johnny: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Solotime: Wow Sir, that's not a nice way to answer your phone.
Johnny: I DON'T CARE! WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Solotime: I'm calling to pay my phone bill??
Johnny: YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER! **Hangs The Phone up**
Solotime said to himself:
I'll teach him a lesson. Every time I pay my bills, I'll call him and hang up.

 

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church foyer. It was covered with names and small flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up and stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
Good morning, Father, replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
Father, what is this? Little Johnny asked. Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
Soberly. they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15 ?"

 

Earl: “Doc? I think my wife is going deaf. It seems to get worse each week – I’m scare. She is still too young!”

Doc: “Can’t see her until Tuesday. There is something that you can do for me, in the meantime. When she is not looking at you, speak to her from 40 feet, 30, 20, 10, and then right behind her. Let me know at what distance she responds to you.”

That night, Earl had the perfect opportunity to help the doc diagnose his sweetie’s hearing problem. She was in the kitchen at the counter preparing dinner. He was watching TV in the living room (no surprise there). Yep! It was about 40 feet away and her back was to him. He began the experiment.

Earl: “Hey, honey! What’s for dinner?”

No answer. That was understandable – it was quite a distance away and there was noise in the kitchen. Earl walked to the door of the living room. Thirty feet away from his wife. Perfect.

Earl: “Hey, honey! What’s for dinner?”

Still no answer. Well, it WAS thirty feet away. Not too bad. Earl walked to the entrance of the dining room. Twenty feet away.

Earl: “Hey, honey! What’s for dinner?”

Still no answer. Earl’s heart sank a bit. His little honey was losing her precious hearing. How would she enjoy all of his tall tales of fantastic exploits? He walked to the entrance of the kitchen. He was now ten feet away.

Earl: “Hey, honey! What’s for dinner?”

His heart plummeted when he still received no answer. Tears gathered in his eyes as he walked right up to her, his wife’s back to him.

Earl tried one last time, “Hey, honey… what’s for dinner?”

Eyes flashing, his wife faced him and said, “Oh, Earl! For the fifth time! Chicken!”

 

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

 

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

 

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

 

Out in the real woods, the green paper money is useless unless you run out of paper.

 

A man was driving down a country road when he spotted a pig with a wooden leg. He also happened to spy the farmer close by. Overcome with curiosity, the man stopped, hopped out of the car and approached the farmer.

“Good morning!” he said to the farmer. “I was wondering why your pig has a wooden leg. Can you tell me the story?”

“Sure thing,” replied the farmer. “That pig you see is a very special pig. Yes, indeed! I will sing his praises to you.

“A couple of months ago, my house caught fire. The wife, son and I were fast asleep and knew nothing about it. Within minutes we lost consciousness.

“This pig of mine, alarmed at the smoke pouring out of the kitchen window, burst out of his pen and knocked down our front door, desperately trying to get to us to warn us. My pig ran upstairs, grabbed me by the leg and dragged me down the stairs and outside, where he gave me the kiss of life.

“Seeing that I was still unconscious, he ran back inside, up the stairs, and grabbed my wife by the leg. Dragging her outside, he then gave her the kiss of life. She remained unconscious.

“My courageous pig never gave up. For the last time, he ran upstairs and grabbed my son by the leg and pulled him outside. Me son received the kiss of life, too.

“Yes sirree! That pig is something very special! Very special, indeed!”

The man was astounded at the pig’s bravery and replied, “Wow! I can see that this pig is an amazing pig! But tell me, how DID he lose his leg?”

“Well!” replied the farmer. “If you have a pig that special, it cannot be eaten all at once.”

 

A customer at Bhodho's Gourmet Grocery marvelled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Bhodho, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Bhodho replies lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear, "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only 4BBs apiece," says Bhodho.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Bhodho.
The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Bhodho," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for 4BBs apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for 2BBs. ...You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Bhodho. "You're smarter already."

 

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

(I didn't want to quote the whole post since it makes MODS very mad.)

That got to be the best joke I seen.

Now, below is my joke:

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

 

Banjoman- Too Funny TFS

 

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

Since we're onto the blonde jokes...

A pretty, little blonde was driving her cute, little red sports car down a country lane. As she was passing some fields, she noticed another blonde in the middle of a hay field rowing a boat. The pretty, little blonde slammed on her brakes, burning rubber as she quickly came to a stop. She backed up, parked the car by the side of the road, got out and slammed the door behind her.

She stormed up to the edge of the field, and shaking her fists at the rowing blonde, she shouted, "It's stupid blondes like you who give us a bad name! Rowing the boat in the middle of a hay field?!? What are you thinking?!?

"Let me tell you, Blondie! If I could swim, I'd really let you have it!"