Jokes

The teacher asks: - How is 1 plus 1?
Blonde student responds: - 11!

I hope nobody gets upset. It's just a joke. My hear is also blond

- Mommy, I want to swim in that big pool too.
- No way, the water is very deep and is dangerous.
- But dad why is allowed?
- Dad's insured.

 

A farmer was milking his cow.
He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.

 

I bought the best guard dog ever! For three days I struggled to get into the garden.

 

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

 

Lion called all the animals and says:
- Those who are beautiful - on the left, and those who are smart - on the right.
All animals were separated, only monkey stayed still.
- What are you doing? - Asks the lion.
- What can I do, break in two?

 

The joke in the spoiler might seem offensive to some, but it's only for a sense of humor.

Spoiler: >>Joke Inside<<

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Additional Joke:
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven on the phone.

 

Husband and wife had a bad dog. They decide to get rid of him.
Husband take the dog got into the car and takes him to a few blocks away, and leave him there. Husband returns home and more than 2 hours, the dog appears at the door.
The next day, husband get into the the car, take the dog and takes him to another district. He returns home, more than 2 hours, the dog appears at the door.
On the third day he takes the dog, take him in the car, give tours through the city, take on all kinds of roads, spins ... Let the dog, and get in the car and go.
More than 2 hours, the phone rings in the house. Wife answer ...
Husband - wife, did dog returned home?
Wife: - Yes, he is back.
Husband: - Get him on the phone because I'm lost.

 

Because I am, I can

Q:What do you call a redhead walking between two blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?
A:you can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What’s safer: a redhead or a pirahna?
A: The pirahna. They only attack in schools.

Isn't this a little rash?

 

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"​

 

Q: How do you put a giraffe into your refrigerator?
A: Open the door, put the giraffe into the refrigerator, and close the door.

The King of the Jungle - the Lion - called a very important meeting. Every animal attended this meeting, except for one.
Q: Which animal could not make it?
A: The giraffe. It was in the refrigerator.

Q: How do you cross a crocodile infested river?
A: Swim. All the crocodiles are at the meeting.

 

Two snails are meeting:
- It's far the restaurant?
- No, it's not far. Take it to the left, and on Thursday take it to the right.

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor, and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leans toward the pastor and hisses, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispers, "She made me a better offer."

 

Elephant - Did Noah add you on Facebook?
Dinosaur: - No.
Elephant - That's bad for you!

 

Arielh: Nice phone, where did you buy it?
Bhodho: I won it in a running race.
Arielh: How many people participated?
Bhodho: Previous owner, some bystanders, police and me...

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

 

Haha, Solo and Wolfseyeone! Those were really funny! Thanks for the laugh!

 

- Hei neighbor, your dog has bitten my mother in law three times so far!
- Oh, a thousand excuses. This dog is incorrigible. I don't know what to do with it!
- Sell it to me!